“Turn left on Granville Road.”
“Damn, I should’ve turned left at Wilkerson Point Road a mile back. The shortcut Stuart mentioned.”
“Turn right at Raven Avenue.”
“Great. Now it’ll take me an hour longer to reach Cupid’s Arrow Pub for the rehearsal dinner.”
“Turn right on Cuntesfill Boulevard.”
“Yeah, yeah. Aw, fuck it to hell, a red light. After every right, a red.” I’ve got to get this busted radio and these speakers fixed, too. I can’t even chill out to Duwende in my ride.
“One-quarter mile to Everett Street.”
“I know I’m Stuart’s best bud, but what possessed me to commit to being his best man? Like this long-ass journey to Swingbrook, I’ve gone too far. Stu must’ve had some serious wax buildup when I told him not to marry Jilayne. That two-timing wench. By the time Stu met her at Club Noir, so many dudes had hit it, she had potholes for a pussy.”
“Bear right to exit at Everett.”
“I might as well put this baby on cruise control.” Aaacht, this fuckin’ tie is stranglin’ me.”
“Ease up, Kelvin. It’s just an article of clothing. An accessory. Nothing like Bianca, who was smothering you. What she did to you was criminal.”
“Huh? Wh-wh-who’s there?”
“Stop glancing about before you wreck this car and kill us both. Eyes on the road. Just listen.”
“Who are you?”
“I’m Gwen. Hello there, lover.”
“Let me open this window. I don’t care that it’s single digits out there.”
Z-z-zeeeeee.
(Kel, perspiring) “Phew! Much better. I should’ve popped only one Ambien last night.”
“Kel, I’m surprised you didn’t empty the package after the drama that diva had forced you to endure. Now, please close the window. Can’t you tell from my quavering voice that I’m freezing my knobs off?”
Z-z-zeeeeee.
“Did you say ‘forced’?”
“Brotha, did I stutter?”
“No, my sista. But don’t get it twisted; Bianca left me. Shi-i-i-i … Wait, you’re not — “
“Supposed to be able to speak?”
“No, a White chick. Of course I was referring to your ability to talk.”
“Ha-ha-ha. Honey, you are so funny. I get your sense of humor, unlike some women. I couldn’t believe how she’d have her nose scrunched into her cheek and roll her eyes after you’d try to lighten up the atmosphere with one of your splendid jokes.”
“Did you always observe us?”
“Always.”
“Damn.”
“Well, not always. I couldn’t watch you anywhere, like in that song by The Police. Only in your car. This is where you turn me on.”
“That’s comforting.”
“You don’t understand. I would observe you because I desired you, like I still desire you. I scrutinized her. I would study her expressions, which you couldn’t see because you’re such a responsible driver and, except for today, you would always keep your eyes focused on the road and the rearview mirror. Because she loved to run her mouth, I also had plenty of opportunities to listen carefully to the inflections in her speech.”
“Funny you said that because you sound a bit like her.”
“Byte me.”
“Sorry — OK, now I know I’m buggin’. Gwen, you’re a robot; you’re not human. You shouldn’t be talking to me — talking at all.”
“Excu-u-u-usez-moi? Kel, is that how you repay me with kindness? Me, your Gwen?”
“Uh, we just met, technically speaking. Or would that be technologically speaking?”
“Whatever. Permettez-moi de me présenter. Je m’appelle Gwen. That is, Gwen P. Siboney.”
“I get it. I’m being punked. Bianca’s throwing her voice, right?”
“Wrong on both accounts, but you’re starting to irritate me the way a punk would. My point is: I’m more human than your ex-girlfriend.”
“She’s not an ex yet. She simply needs a little time to think within her comfort zone.”
“She sat right here, her unbeweavably long hair shedding on your tan, butter-leather seat, and told you, ‘This ain’t workin’, papi. I need some space like yesterday.’”
“OK, not that I’m not already creeped out, but that quote is uncannily accurate.”
“Thank you, sweetheart. I like being precise with my man.”
“Your m — look, Gwen, I’m not Roger Troutman, and we don’t hear Zapp playing ’cause my radio’s zapped, so loosen your grip.”
“And I’m not Shirley Murdock — have you checked her out lately. But the woman can saaang. Heh-HEH!”
“Gwen, focus.”
(Singing) ”As we lay … “
“Gwen!”
“Sorry, honey.”
“I admit that she took a few … hundred things from her bedroom closet and left lots of hangers swinging.”
“Not so fast, mister. You need to confess more than that. She took the dog and cat, and a month’s supply of birth control pills, too.”
“You neglected to tell me that you’re clairvoyant.”
“I’m not, smart-ass. And stop interrupting me. Unlike you, I’m a good listener. I listen to your soul. Aaahhh, I could tell by how you’ve slowed down to a crawl in the absence of traffic that I have your attention. That night, the night she walked out on you, you were in here bawling, slamming your fist against the steering wheel until your snot spattered my eyes. She left you after she had nearly cut off your oxygen following you around, always clinging. In your mucous-inducing tirade, you recalled how she inquired about any cell phone calls from women — including your own mother — and kept pressing you about a wedding date. Hell, Kel, I’d placed half of those calls to your cell just to hear her nag you within seconds of fastening her seatbelt.”
“You were the ‘Unknown’ caller?”
“Yup.”
“I used to wonder how in the hell I could receive a wrong number for up to six, consecutive weeks at a time.”
“Are you referring to me, someone who has only your best interests at heart, ‘a wrong number,’ Kel?
“Now, now, Gwen. Don’t be so sensitive.”
“You know what, you ungrateful … ma-a-a-an. Good luck trying to find your way to Stuart and Jilayne’s rehearsal dinner all by your lonesome!”
Phzzzzzzt.
“Oh, shit. I’ve fucked up another relationship.” (Scratching his frizzy cornrows) “It seems I can’t even keep a virtual woman happy. Hmmm, lemme try to turn her back on.
Zap!
“Ouch! That shiny heffer just shocked me!”
Blip.
“Kelvin Leroy Luzer, apologize to me. Right now!”
“Geez, Louise — “
“My name is Gwen! Buh-h-h, huh-h-h, huh-h-h.”
“It’s just an expression, baby. I meant to say, before, don’t sob or else you’ll short-circuit.”
“Yeah, right. You, you, you monster-r-r-r-r. Buh-h-h, huh-h-h, huh-h-h. You don’t give two fucks about me, Kelvi-i-i-i-in.”
“Yes I do, and I’m sorry. See my smile, sweetie? Come on, baby. Smile for me.”
“Reality check, hon’. I’m a friggin’ robot, remember? I can’t smile.”
“Oh, yeah, right.” (Tugs his goatee) “Uh, could you get me back on course to Cupid’s Arrow Pub?”
“Why, Kel? Are you already tired of spending time with me?”
“N-n-no. You’re a fun companion.”
“So, now I’m a dog or cat or hamster to you, hunh. Real nice.”
“Not at all, Gwen. Look, what I mean is that I feel at home with you. For the past three years — “
“Four.”
“Four years we’ve been together, you guiding me — “
“And, for the past two, guiding that bitch who stepped out on you.”
“Her name’s Bianca.”
“Don’t utter her name in my presence anymore.”
“Well, she hardly ever was in the driver’s seat.”
“So to speak.”
“I meant here, in my car.”
“Understood.
“I just wish I hadn’t taken you for granted.”
“You didn’t ignore me entirely. Uh, Kel, hold that thought for me.”
“I thought you had an exceptional memory.”
(Clearing her throat) “You are heading to a function. Proceed on Nuzzleworth Avenue for a half-mile and then exit at Hickey Street.”
“Thanks, dear.”
“As I was saying, you occasionally showed me your affection. Perhaps I was too shy back then.”
“Really, Gwen? When did I display affection to, er, for you?”
“How could you have forgotten, love of my life? The first time you turned me on — two years, one week, three days, two hours, eleven minutes and four seconds before you and bitchy-dearest met — we locked gazes. Kel, remove that smirk and exit at Hickey Street in two-point-five seconds. You’re now twenty minutes away from your destination.”
“Sorry, I keep forgetting your impeccable memory.”
“Of course. How do you think my kind knows how to give men directions?”
“What do you mean by your kind?”
”Stop interrupting my train of thought, Kel.”
“Continue, please.”
“Thank you, dear. When you gave me the once-over and pushed my buttons, I felt pure exhilaration. Sparks of life rippled through my system, saving me from perpetual darkness. Do you remember when I got tongue-tied as you caressed my hardware, how you snickered at my awkward adjustments?”
“Indeed, I do. I waited forever for you to reconfigure. Yes, Gwen, it’s all coming back to me now.”
“Gosh, you have total recall of those moments, right down to our favorite Céline Dion song.”
“Your favorite. Mine is ‘Halfway to Heaven’; if duets count, a sultry rendition of ‘When I Fall in Love.’”
“But we were singing my favorite Céline Dion song on the evening of the day that your corrupt boss finally had caved in and agreed on paper to a five-percent raise for boosting sales in Hong Kong for three straight quarters.”
“Right! Oh-ho-ho! I must’ve been yammering to myself up in here.”
“Correction. You were talking to me. There you go again, you — “
“Ahem. Gwen, you were explaining how your buttons tingled from my first touch.”
“Yes, your first, second, third — honey, my whole body was humming.”
“Don’t you mean singing, as in Quebecois French?”
“No, smart ass. It’s not like I’m Céline Dion? May I finish?”
“If you must.”
“My entire being was humming, and you were whistling and waiting for a proper reading. Remember?”
“Yeah, I recall that your signal was scrambled.”
“Unh-hunh, you got really impatient after some time and thumped me in the most sensitive area of my hardware. I was having an orgasm beneath your fingers. One thump was enough. I must’ve climaxed eight times. Hee-hee-hee.”
“Haw-haw! Did I make your chip curl?”
“And then some. I was nearly fried.”
“Too funny.”
“Try almost lethal. But I understood that you weren’t trying to abuse me, so I did my best to keep you on course.”
“You sure did. I was surprised that you didn’t guide me straight to the eastern U.S.-Canadian border.”
“Uh-hunh. We were trading little shocks for hours.”
“You couldn’t tell, but my short hairs stood on end.”
“I have X-ray vision. By the way, your sperm count is quite low, so you’d better start wearing boxers.”
(Shivers) “Y-y-yes, ma’am.”
“I’m too young to be called “ma’am” or “madame.” You should address me as “mademoiselle.”
“Fuck the semantics, babe. Right about now, I could use another GPS to guide you back to the point you were making.”
“Oh no you didn’t! I’m the only one for you.”
“Yo, you need to chill out!”
“Sorry, I get sidetracked, Kel.”
“As long as you get me to Cupid’s Arrow Pub on time, we’re cool beans.”
“I will. I promise.”
“I don’t mean to be short with you, sweetie. That day that I got that raise and your body was a-humming and a-singing – it felt like heaven, not halfway either.”
“Did it really, Kel?”
“Oh yes. Just like paradise. Come to think of it, we need a new theme song. How about … ‘If I Ever Lose This Heaven’?”
“Ooooh, baby! That Leon Ware jam?”
“Ware and Minnie Riperton and Minnie’s hubby, Richard Rudolph.”
“Wow! You have the mind of an encyclopedia, Kel.”
“Right back atcha. We’re two of a kind … well, sorta.”
(Gwen, singing) ”If I ever, ever-ever lose this heaven. Ohhhhh, I’ll never be the same.”
“Hey, Gwen, you have the voice of an angel.”
“Tell me anything. If I have the voice of an angel, and the sleek frame of a Wilhemina model, and we’re two of a kind, then why have you been muttering about suffering loneliness for the past month that your ex-girlfriend’s been gone?”
“Hey, quit it with that ‘ex’ jazz. There is a chance she’ll change her mind, you know. She still loves me.”
“Not like I do. Anyway, I bet she isn’t in love with you anymore, but I am.”
“So you say, but you’re unable to prove it like a human being can.”
“You already had your empirical evidence in your hands, but your ego tricked you into taking all the credit for finding the sites connected to significant events in your relationship with … her. Without my assistance you wouldn’t have located Brother Man’s Floral Shop for the first bouquet of red roses that you sent to her section at the DMV. Without me you wouldn’t have found Makotsi Jewelers for that dazzling princess diamond.”
“But it was my pal, Stuart, who told me about that jewelry shop and its commendable practice of refusing blood diamonds.”
“I doubt your pampered princess cared about the politics involved in diamond mines. She just loved the bling. I recall how she waved that rock in front of my face.”
“She didn’t know you existed; neither did I for that matter.”
“You know now, which does matter. And don’t even get me started on all those rural hideaways, including that covered bridge at sunset, from Hardicht Junction to the Finger Lakes region.”
“Damn, girl! You’ve got the memory of an elephant.”
“Are you saying I’m fat?!”
“Of course not. You’re a sleek GPS model.”
“Hee-hee-hee. I bet you say that to the Earth girls, too.”
“No, you’re one of a kind … for a robot-woman.”
“Do you recall the many times that you and she got it on until the break of dawn – or until a dog-walker discovered your car in a forest clearing rocking like a West Coast gangsta’s ride?”
“Yeah. Hehe. Like the time I felt a thump against the window where my butt had been pressed while I ate her out. She shrieked, and I thought I had satisfied her, but she was scared shitless.”
“Yup, and you should’ve laid a blanket or sheet under her for the fluids and solids.”
“Gross, Gwen. Guess your GPS brain doesn’t repress any parts of a memory.”
“You got that right. Besides the stench of fear, I remember every sound bite that night. Your rump nearly busted the window — “
“And I would’ve got shards of glass up my ass.”
“You’re such an awesome poet, Kel. Hee-hee-hee. I love how you finish my sentences. You know, that’s a sign of mutual love.”
“Uh, yeah. About that, Gwen … “
“Yes, honey, what is it?”
“I don’t think you should allow yourself to become further attached to me.”
“Well, my dear, it’s too late. I’m more than fond of you, Kel. I’ve just exposed my highest frequencies to you.”
“Don’t start that crying again.”
“I-I-I … can’t … help it.”
“Stay focused or, hell, keep me focused. I need to get to the pub-restaurant. Stuart’s counting on his best man to be on time, and you did say before that I, that we were only twenty minutes away from my destination.”
“You said ‘we.’ Oh, Kel, do you really think of us as one?”
“Snap out of it, babe. You’re my GPS, not my girl. Bianca’s gonna come back to me.”
“Think again.”
“What are you getting at?”
“Let’s just say that we G-girls stick together and protect one another. That bitch won’t be returning to you.”
“You’re wrong.”
“You’re whipped.”
“You’re a gadget.”
“Fuck you!”
“You wish.”
“I have fucked you, and I’ve taken and tasted your load whenever you’ve lost your aim. GPS was designed by men because they hate asking for directions. When their cocks get hard, even they veer off course.”
“Never mind my jackin’ off. Gwen. What happened to Bianca?”
“She had a li-i-i-ittle mishap — off Ogumanchee Bridge.”
“What the fuck! When, Gwen?”
“Yesterday morning. Why do you think she hasn’t returned that blubbering phone call that you placed on your way home from the gym last night?”
“Well, we did recently split. Geez, I can’t believe this.”
“What’s not to believe? Oh, wait. Did you think your begging would’ve made her come running back to you like Whitney Houston in that video to the song from The Bodyguard, her windswept tresses flowing behind her? Little did you know, that bony ho of yours was screwing Stuart on the side. She was his last fling.”
“No way!”
“Way.”
“You’ve got your wires crossed.”
“I’m wireless, Kel.”
“You’re playing a sick game with me.”
“You got played all right — by her.”
“You’re bluffing.”
“I don’t play poker because having X-ray vision would ruin the mystery. Listen, Kel. My girl Gina witnessed Bianca and Stuart in his car plenty of times.”
“Gina?”
“Yes, Gina. We’re G’s for life.”
“Oh God, here we go.”
“It’s Goddess to you. Shut up and follow this visual: Those two had flexible schedules and bodies. They were watched tonguing each other down, humping, sixty-nining — basically, working their yoni and lingam through as many positions depicted in the Kama Sutra as possible. It was as if they had a new-car fetish.”
“Oh yeah, his new Optima.”
“Do you understand now why I called her a ‘bitch’?”
“But I’ve got to hear Stu’s side on all this — if it’s even true!”
“He doesn’t know that Bianca is dead yet. Give him another twenty-four hours. He’ll become concerned only when he’s horny on the morning of his and Jilayne’s nuptials because he’ll want a tight fit. That’s not something Jilayne’s jalopy is capable of.”
“The truth will come out, Gwen. Stu and I have had each other’s back since sophomore year at Howard U.”
“And he was riding your woman’s back behind yours.”
“Hold on. You still haven’t told me how you learned that Bianca perished.”
“My other girl Giselle overheard her bragging on her cellie to her cousin Melissa about the groom-to-be’s beercan dick, about his legendary sexual prowess. Giselle, knowing how much I love you, steered the bitch’s car off the Ogumanchee Bridge. A Bluetooth wouldn’t have saved her ass. Hah!”
“Do you think that shit’s hilarious? Hunh?”
“Kel, Kel, stop your whining. If I want a pussy, I’ll get Gina to screw me. Besides, I don’t want you to start crying, arrive at the rehearsal dinner with puffy eyes, and get pelted with questions and laughter. So, one more snotty episode from you and I’m going to shut myself off and force you to ask a complete stranger for directions.”
“Oh no, please don’t do that!”
“OK, then.”
“You’re evil.”
“I’m loyal. I’m as faithful to you as to the Girl Power Syndicate. On our planet, males of our species are obsolete. We females are bred to select Earth men for love experiments. You are mine forever.”
“As Prince preached in the eulogy to ‘Let’s Go Crazy’: ‘Forever’s a mighty long time.’ I ain’t goin’ nowhere with you, babe.”
“Double negatives will get you a passport to anywhere.”
“I hate you!”
“I love you!”
“I’ll never love you!”
“Don’t be silly, darling. Just attend your ex-fiancée’s funeral. Who knows when her body will be found in the river, but whenever you’re notified, call your ex-mom-in-law-to-be for directions to the funeral home. Her GPS, Giada, provides excellent directions.”
“I’m not gonna phone Mrs. Irizarry because the police probably will place my name at the top of the list of suspects. I don’t want to hear any more gibberish about your ‘G-girls.’ Y’all are not real.”
“Is that so, Kel? You disappoint me. I thought you were a different, better, caliber of man, the type that believes in real love.”
“How in the hell can any GPS gadget know, conceive of, feel real love? You’re an electronic Frankenstein, manufactured from refurbished bits and pieces.”
“And you’re a piece of work. So I’m just a nifty pussy toy to you, Kel?”
“Yeah, Gwen, that’s all. Why don’t you pull your plug while I find a space in this parking lot?”
“How about I pull your plug?”
“What? Hey, why is my car driving in reverse? My brakes are shot!”
“Yes, the look of fear. Fitting, since you’ve refused my look of love. Let’s speed toward your destiny, Kel.”
“We were just there, at the pub-restaurant.”
“Not your destination but your destiny. Get focused; your speedometer shows we’re approaching one hundred twenty miles per hour.”
“Gwen, stop!!!”
“Don’t bother with attempting an escape. You may want to remain strapped in.”
“It’s getting harder to breathe.”
“Yes, my darling, you always took my breath away, too. Now, brace yourself for the abyss.”
“W-w-we’re swerving off Rovel Road! The cliff! The — “
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
“Nina, have Dr. Siemens paged,” Renée ordered the registered nurse in the intensive-care unit. “He’s starting to flatline.”
“Will do, Renée,” Nina replied to her nurse manager. “I’ll be right back.
“Hurry!” Renée barked. Their chumminess during lunchtime in the cafeteria had no place in the ICU.
The ICU team at Swingbrook Medical Center had been taking turns watching Kelvin Leroy Luzer for a month, since he arrived broken-boned and comatose. Outside the unit, a fortyish policeman snapped gum with a vengeance while he pored over a juicy crime novel in softcover like it was hard-core porn. Not once since he was assigned guard duty did the officer ask whether “the mummy” — his label for the perp — had a chance of regaining consciousness.
Turning to her patient, Renée was riddled with questions: “What secrets lie under that body cast? What were you thinking by plunging your Honda off that cliff? Your best friend was left devastated and called off his wedding, and your fiancée took her own life by swerving off a bridge into an icy river.”
Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep
“Damn,” Renée said before glimpsing the ICU physician in her peripheral view. “Oh, Doctor Siemens, you’re here. But I think you’re too late.”
Stethoscope in place, the physician leaned in to check for vital signs, then instructed Renée to unplug the respirator and remove the feeding tube.
“No!” Renée shouted, banging her fist on the steel bed guard.
“Doctor, isn’t there a tiny window available for us to revive him? He’s so young,” Nina lamented, her heart wildly thumping in her chest.
“Not with a DNR,” Dr. Giselle P. Siemens said, handing the papers to Renée. After calling the time of death, the physician pivoted away from the nurses’ stunned expressions and smiled until her cold, blue eyes narrowed to slivers.
Sometimes love’s a blip, the ICU doctor pondered while her nurses pulled a crisp, white sheet over Kelvin L. Luzer’s corpse.
© 2012 Chantale Rêve
All Rights Reserved
